Today’s post was originally titled “it’s all just yelling” but I ended up liking “yelling with my actions” better.
It paints the perfect picture for a very big concept.
Long ago (over a month ago in blogging time… almost ancient history!) I sat down with a few blank sheets of paper and a calendar to plan out my posts for this series.
My original idea was to have a short intro followed by 3-5 posts on each of the major ways we express anger. My plan was to start with yelling, then move on to withdrawal, retaliation, hurtful words, and self-destruction. Then I’d write a conclusion and be done.
It was a decent first plan. I wrote a few posts on yelling. The drafts were titled “here’s why I yell”, “here’s why it’s stupid” and “here’s what I should do instead.”
Titles aren’t my strength, ok?
Then I went to write a few posts on retaliation. They were tentatively titled “here’s why I retaliate”, “here’s why it’s stupid” and “here’s what I should do instead.”
That’s when I realized something was HORRIBLY wrong with my original outline.
Actually, that’s when I threw my pencil across the room in frustration and yelled “it’s all just yelling!”
It’s all just yelling.
Yes. Yelling is technically when I say things at a louder than normal volume.
What I normally do is probably more accurately called screaming. It’s like yelling, only I say things I know I’ll regret later. As my kids put it recently,
Screaming is when mommy yells with cussing.
Ouch.
When you whisper angry things does the volume really matter?
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But what I’m really talking about is LOSING IT. It’s the moment where I just lose control of myself because I’ve had. it. up. to. HERE. It’s that instant where I cross the line beyond “motivating” and into inappropriate actions.
Why? Because I’m angry.
The difference between yelling and screaming is regret.
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Losing control because I’m angry and stressed and tired and hungry and frustrated – that’s the problem.
That loss of control normally shows up at my house in the form of yelling and even screaming.
But even when it shows up in it’s other forms, the reality is the same.
Anger –> Loss of Control –> Hurt and Regret
Even when it’s not yelling.
I’m also guilty of yelling with my actions.
My kids don’t see this. Yet.
Somehow, I reserve most of this nonsense for my husband.
The slammed door on the refrigerator… The loud sigh as I walk out of the room… Cooking his least favorite meal on purpose… “Forgetting” to send his mom a birthday greeting…
Every one of those is a not-so-subtle form of expressing my anger. I may not make a sound, but I’m yelling with my actions.
It may not LOOK like I’m out of control, but I am.
Don’t cross the cook.
What kind of person would deliberately cook beef stroganoff and put it in front of her family KNOWING that no one else at the table likes it? They won’t even EAT it. I like it, but I know it’s not good for me. So why in the world would I look up the recipe, drive to the store, buy the ingredients, spend time and energy cooking it, and then look FORWARD to serving it at dinner?
(I even left OUT the mushrooms because I know how much my husband LIKES mushrooms. I served it with green peas because I might as well go all the way with this meal.)
One very ticked off person.
The thing is, I don’t even remember now what had me in a tiff. I do remember the evil giggles as I cooked dinner. I remember the anticipation I felt, knowing I was provoking my husband. I do remember my husband’s look as he sat down to dinner. I do remember the gleeful feel in my heart as I whispered “don’t cross the cook.”
It was years ago, but I vividly remember how every single bite turned to stone in my stomach.
(I’ve since shortened the whole thing. I just THREATEN to cook stroganoff. We both laugh. Then we solve the problem.)
I’ll see your $50 and raise you $25.
What kind of person gets so mad at her husband for draining the last $50 out of the bank account to buy “car stuff” that she hauls off and spends $75 on new towels at Target?
Um, that would be me. It was long ago (before kids), but I spent $75 we didn’t have on towels we didn’t need. Because I was mad.
Are those the actions of an “in-control” woman or the actions of a woman controlled by her anger?
(For what it’s worth, the “car stuff” ended up being new headlights for my car – something I couldn’t drive without. Oops. I, um, returned the towels.)
Even when I don’t raise my voice, I’m still yelling with my actions.
When you slam the door in anger, does it matter what you say?
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It’s all just yelling.
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